ughughughughughugh

Other Titles Include: Sorry x Infinity, BRB, Still figuring it out, DOES ANYONE FIGURE IT OUT?? 

Am I the only one who feels so much? kcoolbye, and lastly

I Hate You BUT I Hate Myself More Sooooooooooooooooooooo

middle finger middle finger middle finger middle finger middle finger middle finger

because I am an idiot but so is everyone else.

I'm messy blogging and being vague right now and I am sorry because I have some self control to stop myself  from blogging about certain people and naming names but not enough control to not talk about it on the internet so that's great. I am just so angry all the time and I don't know what to do about it

I kick holes in the wall and tell everyone to shut up and I spit in my brother drink the other day and I don't want to be this person anymore.

I don't want to be this person anymore.

Some people say that is enough "recognizing you have a problem is the first step to fixing it" well what is the second and third and fourth and last because apparently I'm the only one who can't seem to figure my life out. I don't want to be so angry and offended and annoyed and take everything so personally and 

feeling everything all the time has gotten to be so painful and living can be so painful

I need to be numb for a little while

So if I shut you out it's nothing personal and I am sorry 

it's nothing personal 

I am just insane

but I don't want to be anymore.

dedicated to cute boys you see in the hall one time and then never again

There are 7 billion people on this planet,
and statistically you will only meet about 10 thousand of them in your life time

they say you should start a poem with some sort of fact or truth.

they don't actually say that

I don't even know who they are

But I know who we are.

We are Wednesday afternoons.
Unsure of everything
Do I have any assignments due tomorrow?
I don't know. (probably)
Should I take a really long nap today?
I don't know (yes)
Are you guys a thing?
I don't know. (I don't know)

We are every writers nightmare
because words don't define us
and neither do commas or periods
or apostrophes or parentheses.
I don't know what defines us
I don't know.

I don't know the way you like your eggs in the morning
and I don't know what radio stations you listen to
and I don't know what you'd grab if your house was on fire
And I don't know how I feel about you.
All I know is every time I see you I hold my breath
I don't know what that's supposed to mean but it's just what I do
And whenever the teacher makes a joke I look over to see if you are laughing too and you usually are and
I like that
But sometimes your not because it's 11:45 and class is in session and you're asleep
and I like that too.

There are three things about the universe that you should know.
There are things we all know,
like how to tie our shoes and how to breathe (most of the time)
There are things we don't know
like how many licks it would take to get to the center of a tootsie pop
and there are those things we don't know that we don't know.
like a couple months ago you didn't even exist in my universe
and I didn't know that there there was something so wonderful that I was missing out on.
I didn't know.
I didn't know
I didn't know

But now I do,
and I'm not sure if it's any better

On never being loved "like that"

( my last post was apparently stolen from Grey's Anatomy and I feel like I need to redeem myself. )

I sometimes allow myself to think about the things that typical high school girls think about like getting asked to prom and wearing a boy's hoodie and grand gestures and all that other corny stuff and to be honest I don't care what the definition of love is anymore I just know I want it. I want someone to watch movies with I want someone to understand me
I at least want somebody to try to.
It's not like I'm some girl who needs a boy to survive or anything, I have actually learned to become quite independent of boys, friends, teachers, coaches, and people in general. I can eat lunch in the library or I can eat lunch in the commons with a group of people and I generally feel the same thing at this point and it's fine.
It's not that I need a boy in my life, It's just that I want one.
I don't care if it's corny or full of angst or if it's predictable or nothing like I expect or even if it ends up being embarrassingly dramatic (I'm talkin Romeo and Juliet dramatic).
I don't know what it's like at all. We could conduct an experiment, it would be far less romantic, but kisses and tears could be our data and we'll test to see if this whole "love" thing actually makes us better people, happier, makes us feel more ourselves, more whole.
Hypothesis: It does

"I will tell you what she was like. She was like a piano in a country where everyone has had their hands cut off." -Angela Carter