u dont kno me: a ROUGH draft

these people be up in here acting like they know me or they "get" me!!! well that is really nice of you and I appreciate your concern and all I'm just not sure how you know ME when I don't even know me ok?? you think you've got me figured out but you don't know jack~~!!!!!!!!! i WILL take some responsibility because I shouldda been more clear and specific and maybe I needed to enunciate more so that you wouldn't misinterpret but I guess I didn't realize that I was even being interpreted in the first place. I thought we spoke the same language and I we didn't need one of those interpreter people? you only need those when two people who don't speak the same language so I guess we don't speak the same language
anymore. the things you say to me ring loud and clear in my ears. They must be ringing in your's too because you never hear me. you don't listen. you think this is about you?? I wish this was about something as small as you.

We all end up like our parents

I once knew a boy who carved his name on to every tree and person he ran into. And just like everyone said, it killed them all. I once knew a boy who made doors out of people and never stopped slamming. The doors got bruised and everyone said "that means he likes you". I once knew a boy who always wanted to hold hands. I once knew a boy who's father died in his arms. I once knew a boy who didn't borrow a single thing in his entire life. I once knew a boy who wanted money. I once knew a boy who loved to ride bikes. I once knew a boy who was lost. I once knew a boy who made me feel safe. I once knew a boy who would check for monsters under my bed.

I once knew a boy who thought he was smarter than me. I once knew a boy who wanted to fix the world, he wanted to be a builder and a healer and a teacher, and then he gave up. I once knew a boy who had to carry his own father to a hospital. I once knew a boy who always wanted to know what was on my mind but would never let me talk. I once knew a boy who wanted to get to know me.

I once knew a boy who bought expansive gifts that didn't mean anything. I once knew a boy who made homemade gifts that still didn't mean anything. I once knew a boy who broke my heart. I once knew a boy who wanted to get to know me, so we did all his favorite hobbies and he then insisted that they were mine. Hunting, really? I once knew a boy who thought every thing he said should be stitched in gold on the front of pillows. I once knew a boy who said he loved me. I once knew a boy who used his fists instead of words. I once knew a boy who cried every year around Christmas time. 

I once knew a boy who hated his father. I once knew a boy who regretted it.

It's funny how one boy can be so many things.

I knew I deserved better, I just didn't know how to make him better.

does anyone blog anymore?

I'm just here to touch base. To see if there is anything here. To see if I can still do this. To see why I do this. To see if there is anything left in this computer screen. To see if there is anything left in this heart that hasn't' been written about. I know the answer to that is no, there is a LOT left but I guess the real question is what is left in my heart that I am willing to write about? Willing to let you read and hear and know about me. Remember that time I wrote about going streaking? Better yet, remember that time I went streaking? I don't know if I would tell you that now. I'm not sure I would know how to do it. How do people even talk to each other or become friends or get married? How does that happen what are the steps where is the YouTube tutorial for it. I need a play-by-play.
I left for a year and a half and you didn't talk to me and I thought you hated me and I came back and you cried and I'm not even sure what our relationship was like before I left but I know you didn't hug me this much.
I wrote out a list of all the things I have left inside of me that I can't tell you. I lied I didn't even write it. I just thought them in my brain. I can't even tell myself them. There are things I have never said out-loud and that's crazy. Things that my voice and my ears and my eyes don't even know about me. Just my heart. My soft weird droopy heart. And I think that might be why I cry all the time. I can't fit anything else in there its so stretched and leaky and misshaped. Sometimes I'm scared to pick up a pencil because I don't know what will come out. I can't even use a pen anymore it's too permanent. How was anyone brave enough to etch something in stone? The 10 Commandments must be the real deal because there was no eraser for that. I'm sick of changing my mind and I'm sick of sensationalism and really all the ~isms~ honestly. I just want to be all in on something and hold nothing back. But I don't know what that something is.
I can't be me here not because I am scared of you or them or whoever reads this but because some days I can't be me around me. I don't even know me anymore and all anyone asks me about is what my favorite music is and I don't know how to answer it and its so dumb.
There are things we don't talk about on the first date and
there are things we don't talk about until you're married and
there are things we don't talk about.