the biggest UGH I have ever said.

Everything seems to be terrible as of late. Not in my personal life really, the whole world just seems a little bit extra sucky. Everyone is dying and being rude and Where is the Love by the Black Eyed Peas can't even cheer me up anymore because it's all TOO REAL. I hug my knees while I watch the news now and my dad still doesn't understand anything. Global Warming is real and so is racism in America. And people won't let Caitlyn do her thing. People still kill dogs and people for no reason just because of things they have heard about them. It seems like there are too many issues to keep updated on and have an opinion of and there is just too much going on. And I guess if you aren't aware of the issues you're ignorant. But being in the know is exhausting. I'm constantly worried about everything and how dumb and unfair everything is for everyone. Frankly I'm just pissed off most of the time. Because everyone goes about their day not pissed off about anything but themselves. As terrible as it sounds being ignorant would be so much easier. But what can you do. Write a blog post about it and hope Taylor Swift or someone high up in the government who cares enough will see it? Even then....I'm literally writing a blog post complaining about hugging my knees while watching the news. While there are people who knew people who went to church and now they've got nothing and no one to hug to anymore and they can't get off their knees since they heard the news. So what's the point. To remain silent is to provide no opposition for the issues going on and therefore to allowing them to continue. So here we are. I don't know what this is supposed to be about. I'm just tired. of everything
#blacklivesmatter

alphabet soup vomit

sometimes I read my old writing and wonder what happened to me. Where did all those words inside of me go? How do I get them back?

enough about me,

me
me
me
are you tired of reading about me yet?
I think the most confusing part about life right now is that I don't know what I'm confused about. I just know there is something fuzzy going on in my brain and I constantly feel frazzled.
I write about me so much because I can't seem to find myself in other people's words anymore.
nothing clicks or pangs or makes me go cold in the good way.
I haven't cried while watching a movie in a long time.
I don't finish the books I start.
I no longer settle
They say, you have to love yourself before you can love someone else.
and maybe they are right.
But what if you love yourself too much to let anyone else.
because no one knows you better than yourself
so really can anyone love you better than you can love yourself
probably not.
so what's the point

find your people, people

It isn't hard for me to get along with people. College has shown me that I can tolerate pretty much anything from anyone. Midnight showers, clanky spoons, people reorganizing the fridge, people talking about people organizing the fridge behind their back, people who google all the Tv spoilers for pretty little liars and gossip girl and the bachelor, and people who don't do dishes. I believe that everyone has something that I can find to like about them. Most people are decent. And its fine and it's bearable and you can deal with it. But the real treat is finding people that you don't have to force yourself to like. People you just vibe with and could go on crazy adventures or just sit around with for hours and it would always be the time of your life.

people who agree with you on tattoos and life pursuits and Tibetan food. The small things. if there is one thing I know its that the small stuff ends up being the important stuff. because it adds up into be big stuff. I've never really been attached to much and I blame that on how much I moved in my childhood. Loyalty has never been a trait that I thought about or considered important. But it's nice to be around people who constantly want to be hugging you

slanted face emoji

I'm trying to remember when things got so complicated. Or even why. The prompt this week in high school creative writing is "I remember" and I feel like everything was simpler back then. I know that's not the case, and when you look back you don't really remember everything that was going on. Just the big stuff. I just don't know how everything got so complicated and cloudy in my head. And I don't even know why it feels that way otherwise I'd get rid of it. I just feel like every thing is meh and bleh and I haven't cried about anything in a while so I know something must be wrong. I just can't figure out how to figure it out. How do you make things simple again

metaphorical alarm clock

my mother used to wake me up for school everyday
now its either the sun or my roommate
and on occasion my phone
I'm sick of relying on other people to wake me out of my funk.
I want to be strong and dependable and I want to wake myself up
I want to be the one to pick myself back up and I want to be able to pat my own back
I'm sick of setting four alarms five minutes apart
I'm sick of hitting snooze
and I'm sick of sleeping through life
I'm ready to wake up




the question is how

cosmic love

you want the moon? Just say the word and I'll throw a lasso around it and pull it down. Hey, that's a pretty good idea. I'll give you the moon

I am the moon
if there is one thing I've learned it's that no one completes you
you don't spend your whole life a half and then become a whole
you're you the whole time.
and maybe you're the sun
and maybe I love you
but how do you do it??
always showing up,
always full
sometimes I'm full..
sometimes you can only see a sliver of me in the dark
sometimes you can see me when the sun is out
those are my favorite days

blank space // best of both worlds // I'm going to double major probably

It's hard when no one plays you back on rapchat.
It's hard when people ask you what you do all day
and you don't even know.
time is slipping into everyone's broken AC vents
I sit here and watch TV and waste away everyday because it's to cold to do anything else.
I mostly do what everyone else is doing
I'm a sheep.
So?
All I ever do anymore is take those personality buzz feed quizzes that tell you nothing/everything about yourself.
Were all just trying to figure ourselves out.
My professor said something the other day in my Humanities class,
to define yourself is to limit yourself.
So I'm not a sheep.
But I am sometimes, most times, a lot of times.
But I am other stuff too.
I'm a soccer player and a sister and a virgo.
I'm a writer (?) and a rapper and a big cry baby,
I am strong even if I don't feel it and I am weak whenever I start to think I'm not.
I can't believe I'm talking about myself in another blog post
But its so important.
Your young adult life is when you are supposed to figure yourself out and choose your major and choose your life
But if you choose the you can't choose something else.
To define yourself is to limit yourself
You identify as an introvert so now you feel like you can't go up and talk to that cool person you want to be friends with because you are shy and awkward and that's not what introverts do.
CAN'T
CAN'T
CAN'T.
My question is who's making these rules?
Who's stopping you?
You aren't unable
You don't have to wait until someone comes up to you first,
nothing is physically stopping you.
You can do anything you want to do and not do anything you don't want to do. So don't make excuses. Don't say you are unable. It all just depends on how much you want something.
Do you want to make friends or do you want to be comfortable?
You don't realize it but you are putting restrictions on your actions.
One second you are everything and anything and this vast person but once you start putting those labels on name tag you start chipping off other parts of yourself.
You're funny so you can't be serious, you're optimistic so you can't be sad
you're going to business school so you can't like art.
you aren't two dimensional.
you're a person with layers and depth and complexities and you can be both sides of everything. You don't know why you do the things you do half the time you just do them. You don't need to explain yourself to anyone, even yourself.

A letter to my 56 drafts:

They tell you its the sad stuff that everyone wants to pay attention to.
The brooding and the aching and the tears, that's the stuff that makes peoples hearts stop.
makes them feel their pulse in their ears and their fingertips. you remember the sad poems because they break your heart every time you read them.
But no one ever goes to a sad poem when they're looking for hope.
Everyone wants to read something that will make their heart cold.
well whats colder than a cold shoulder (whats cooler than being cool?)
They tell you its the sad stuff that everyone wants to pay attention to.
Because it's easier to write.
You can smack your cheating boyfriend in the face with your words
and everyone will snap at you
you can talk about how much you hate your dad hundreds of times
and everyone will get angry with you
you can talk about the ache in your chest every time you see him, with her.
but you can also high five and thumbs up and fall in love and with your words
if you play it right.
and everyone will laugh with you cry with you and feel real with you.
words can blow someones mind without blowing their heart out of their chest
write something you'd want one of your crying siblings to read.
and delete the rest.

why I failed anatomy - a self portrait

Every time I swallow I can feel Etta James in my throat.
In anatomy they tell you everything you ever need to know about yourself.
Like how we sneeze at 100 mph and how it's possible for your bones to self destruct at any minute
but they never tell you where it all came from.
Sure biology or history can tell you that too if you really want
But its too general. Too impersonal
They'll tell you that my smile and the smile of the boy who sits next to me came from the same place
and they'll be wrong/right
His smile comes from some place open and beautiful and cold but like, light jacket cold. Somewhere in the mountains maybe. I'm there too
My smile comes from some place warm and familiar and there is a good couch to take a nap on. Maybe in a cabin somewhere in the mountains. He'll  be there too
My smile came from him, my ears from Aaron Carter
and my guts came from a movie I saw in high school.
I've got the knees of bees'
and the eyes of artists' because I can see the bigger picture
My cheekbones came from all the knock knock jokes
and my heart came from God.
I've got the feet of a 100 meter sprinter just before the gunshots
and the hands of someone who spent too much time on the monkey bars
My elbows and and my brain are actually made from the same tissue because they both can't stop thinking about how funny everything is.
I got my eyebrows off the internet
but my tears are from you.
I've got my fathers phalanges and my mothers jawline
my wrinkly eyes belong to my grandpa
and my back belongs to my grandmother
and my bones belong to me.

I'll ask the questions around here

I've been looking under rocks and behind bleachers and in between pastry shops but I can't seem to find anything beautiful anywhere.
Where did all those metaphors go?
How did I find so many at the beginning and
What do I have to dig up to find more?
what happened to all the clues?
What happened to the tour guide?
I think I need him. sometimes I feel like a detective but most of the time I feel like a tourist.
That was a bad thing right? I can't remember anymore.
I can't remember how to do anything. I need someone to show me everything
I need prompts and video clips and comments and music.
 what happened to the music? and the rain and all the scenery and the other tourists and all the residents.
What happened to Paris?
I tried it. I thought I was tough enough
I thought I had enough of the right stuff
whatever it is.
But like everyone else it seems like this city has chewed me up.
The question is will it spit me out or swallow me whole?
Which would be worse?
Going back after everything you know. After seeing everything you could become.
Trying to make yourself forget. Become numb again.
Or staying. And knowing you might never become what you want to,
But that maybe you could.
Hope.
It's all anyone seems to need these days
and it can give you life and purpose
But boy can it kill you.
It really can.