I'm a little worried

I don't want you to care about this post.

I don't want it to be a burden in your life.

The last time I talked about stuff like this I felt a lot better

I don't want you to think of me and see only sadness

I don't want to be afraid anymore.

I just want to feel better.

but.

I am afraid.

I'm scared.

I'm worried.

I'm frightened

I'm nervous and

I'm petrified.

I am afraid of people who play the violin, because I've never been one for commitment. I'm afraid I've considered running away more times than I've thought about the people who can't run. I'm afraid that none of us can really escape ourselves. And I'm sorry I don't understand, that I didn't understand why. Why you would ever think I didn't care, why you would think nobody cared. I'm afraid of the person you could have been if I had noticed. I'm afraid of not noticing and I'm afraid another person will be lost because of me. I'm afraid of someone reaching out and I'm not strong enough to catch them, I'm afraid of being weak, I'm afraid I wasn't strong enough for you.

My stomach drops at the first sight of blood and every time you look at me. I'm afraid of knives. I shudder every time I hold one. I'm afraid of the potential knives have actually. Human beings can make each other cry for an infinite amount of reasons. They can be crying because you just wrote them a beautiful love poem, or because you shot their child at school today. And that's whats scary. That potentially, anything can happen and everything will happen. And it's the most beautifully terrifying thing in the world.

I'm afraid of people seeing. Seeing me, and everything I'm not. I'm afraid of what you think of me and I'm afraid that you don't. And I'm afraid you're wrong and nobody understands me and nobody ever will. And I'm afraid that you do, and you are just as disgusted with me as I am. And that's why sometimes I'm afraid of God.

I'm afraid this will sound like the most cliche thing in the world, but I'm afraid of being alone. I'm afraid of having nobody to hold me at night and I'm afraid that nobody wants to. I'm afraid that sometimes I like being alone. I'm afraid of being myself around other people and I'm afraid it's permanent. I'm afraid nobody will come to my funeral because nobody cared that I died. I'm afraid nobody will bother to look.

I'm afraid none of this makes sense.

And I'm afraid that it does.

~sasha fierce~