How I've felt about writing lately,

This is a #stolen piece and although (luckily) none of us can relate to this, it is still important to read

“Dear Ma,
I’m sure the news has reached you by now. I hear
the police cars outside, their deafening sirens a
welcome change from the dead silence in the
classroom.
I don’t think I will make it. It’s getting harder to
breathe and I am feeling drowsy. I wish you were
here. Fussing over me like you do when I hurt
myself. You’re probably outside the school gates
right now. I am hoping you can hear my thoughts.
We were in English period when they stormed into
the class. It all happened so fast I didn’t have
time to think. They shot ma’am first. “Get under
your tables” she yelled before she fell to the
ground. We scrambled to hide under them.
I sat still, my eyes on the floor as a pair of black
shoes got closer and closer. His shoes were a lot
bigger than mine. I was too afraid to look at his
face. He shot me twice. One in each leg. I fell to
the floor in seconds. Ahmed who sat beside me
screamed when he saw the blood oozing out of my
legs. They shot him in the chest thrice. No one
screamed after that.
I lay very still and pressed my eyes shut.
Pretending to be dead as I waited to get shot
again. Each time I heard a gunshot, I would hold
my breath and wait for the pain. But they didn’t
shoot me again. “We’re done here. Keep moving”
someone said. Their footsteps ringing in my head
long after they were gone.
I lay there, looking around the classroom. The
silence interrupted only by the sound of the fan,
that continued to spin as if nothing had happened.
You know Ma, I realise that lives have no value.
It makes me wonder why you insisted that I finish
my homework before school. Why you spent hours
teaching me geometry. Why you get angry when I
chew loudly. Doesn’t it seem like such a waste
now?
To spend our time on petty things, like
Potassium’s position in the periodic table, learning
my mother tongue, or remembering to be a
gentleman. None of it could save me.
At dinner yesterday, you told me not to eat another
jamun. That if I take care of my health, I would live
a long life. Ma, it seems so ridiculous now, that we
celebrated my birthday last week. The cake, the
presents, my favourite caramel pudding. Like a
prank we didn’t know we were falling for.
In these 5 minutes I realised, that the world has no
appreciation for beauty. For friendship. For
laughter.
It didn’t matter to them that Zara was to perform
for us after class this afternoon. That Ahmed and I
planned on buying ice-cream after school. That
Samah was going to get the prize for being the
Science topper. Everyone died anyway.
You know ma, we invest in our lives with such a
relentless passion, not once realising how fragile it
is. You drive me to music class twice a week.
Mark sums on my textbook for me to answer. You
tell me to remember to be polite, learn my lessons
and eat healthy.
But ma, no one was spared. Not even the ones
who finished their breakfast. The ones who handed
in their homework. Or the ones who prayed this
morning.
Ma, I don’t think I can stay awake much longer.
And I think I will breathe my last, lying on this
battlefield of scattered bodies, shoes and
stationery.
My English textbook lies beside me on the floor.
Still open on the same page it was at when they
stormed in. I close my eyes one last time, because
I cannot bear to look at it any longer.

Seems almost absurd now, that a world like this,
 could inspire poetry.”

a lazy way to pretend to get your life together

They say that these are the years where you figure out who you are and everything changes and you become who you were always supposed to be and you grown into yourself and "just wait you'll see" and "someday you'll understand" And I'm in college and I'm 18 so I guess that day they were talking about is today. And boy were they right. About some of the stuff. I still don't understand cat people or abusive relationships or what being vegan actually means but I have learned a lot since graduation day.
I've learned how to cook carrot cake and hash browns and it turns out you can make top ramen in the microwave and it also turns out there is more than two flavors of top ramen (team oriental). I've learned to pay attention to expiration dates and that there is no difference between brand name and knockoff cereal but there is a HUGE difference between knockoff pop-tarts and name brand (always go name brand) I've learned that not everyone likes to sleep at the same temperature and that I am not good at keeping in touch with people. I've learned that there isn't actually a lot that people know about me. A lot know all these facts and stories but they don't know the little stuff. And by little stuff I mean a lot off little stuff that accumulates into one big stuff. You learn more when you live with a person than you do when you are best friends with them for 5 years. I don't consider my roommates better friends than my high school friends but they definitely know me better than them. And its no ones fault. Some things just never came up between third and fourth period and during football games. I've learned more about a girl I've know since 8th grade here in these few months of college than I have in the entire time prior. And she is just as great as I always thought she would be. I've learned that long car rides can make or break all relationships. I've learned that high school poetry slams were better than the college ones but for different reasons. I've learned not to rush things. I've learned that there are boys you hang out with and boys you date and often they can't be both. I've learned that 18 year old boys are just about as dumb as everyone gives them credit for. I've learned that it's ok to not go on a lot of dates even if it makes you sad sometimes. I've learned its ok to be in college and not have been kissed. And if you want your first kiss its ok to go out and get it. But if you want it to be special or meaningful you might have to wait and that's ok and if you don't care that's ok too. I've learned that the only rules here are the ones you make for yourself. And you can change them if you want to. I've learned that changing your mind doesn't make you a hypocrite. I've learned that everyone hates their roommate's boyfriend. I've learned how to deal with people who listen to country music (HERE THAT SAM. IT IS POSSIBLE) I've learned that I'm the only one in my apartment who watches the news and Keeping up with the Kardashians. And the only one who hates peanut butter. And the only one who doesn't make their bed everyday. I've been known as the candle roommate and I don't hate it.

I've learned that being 18 doesn't really mean anything except that now you don't have to sneak into the frat parties. Your an adult but your still a youth. Teen is still attached to that number. Which is very comforting. I'm 18 and I don't have my life together. And no one really expects me to. I'm only 18. There are people who are 23 who are still going on blind dates and meeting up with people on tinder and they don't have their life together and its ok if I don't either. I've learned that I'm only 18 and I've got my whole life ahead of me. I mean I really know it. At the rate I'm going I could finish college in three years, I could finish college at 21. That's hardly a forth of my life and that's the only real part that society kind of helps you plan out. I don't really plan things. I didn't even know what college I was going to until March. And I didn't really care. I didn't have any expectations for my future because honestly I wasn't sure if I was going to make it this far. I don't know what I want out of my life. Long term isn't my thing. But to help prolong my inevitable life crisis for as long as possible I have decided to make a, not so much a plan, setting a list of reasonable goals to accomplish sometime in my life. How ever long or short it may be. A cliched sort of bucket list if you will. Except everything on this bucket list is level headed and reasonable.
Because I am an adult now.

1. Receive a Noble Prize
2. Have a dog
3. Work at the Forever 21 in Times Square
4. Live/work in the Red Wood National Forest for a period of time
5. Earn a college degree
6. Have a seal
7. Be in love
8. Write an episode of a TV show
9. Live in my car
10. Go to the Ellen DeGeneres show
11. Own a water bed
12. Own furniture that isn't from Ikea (I already own furniture from Ikea)
13. Try quinoa
14. Live in Oregon for a period of time
15. Own a whisk
16. Raise multiple children
17. Keep a plant alive for more than 2 months
18. Work somewhere where I earn a salary
19. Live to see my mom get everything she deserves
20. Learn to like green smoothies. And beans. And peas. And more vegetables
21. Take care of my grandparents farm
22. Have my car break down and need to push it somewhere
23. Hike to the top of something.
24. Meet Jimmy Fallon
25. Own my own pair of roller skates
26. Learn to play the bongos
27. Beat my brother at a video game that isn't dance related
28. Name a candle
29. Vote
30. Own my own living space (mansion/apartment/shack/house)
31. See my siblings fall in love
32. Ride an elephant
33. Feel connected to the planet? (idk what this means I just like the outdoors and need to be there more)
34. Learn two languages (FOR REAL)
35. Give birth
36. Hug an orangutan
37. Make a positive difference in someones life
38. Rap
39. Almost die
40. Die
41. Feel whole