mountain mama

for a time in my life where I should have been listening to the happy john denver songs with my friends but ended up listening to the sad johnny cash ones.  

sorry if i say some things i mean

this is an apology for the things I had to say about you to get over you

- Trista Mateer

I don't think I had ever really been mad at a person in my entire life until you. which sucks. I have written and rewritten this at least 6 times and some times I'm mad and some times I'm not. all of those times I wanted to not be mad though, which I hope counts for something. 

Here's what it is. 

I liked you more than I thought I did. And you liked me less than I thought you did.
For me, actions speak louder than words and there were things you did but there was also a lot of stuff that you didn't do. and thats the stuff that makes me mad. Not even at you really. but mad at me for not seeing those gaps, those things that I needed you to do that you didn't. all those times you didn't hold my hand, i felt them. I felt every time you didn't look at me. every time you didn't tell someone about me, i heard it.

this could be longer,
when I was young someone told me that two people can go through the same thing and come out different. they told me you don't have to be what you go through. There is an egg and a potato and you put them both in boiling water and one comes out hard and one comes out soft. what i'm trying to say is that every day i pray to be like those stupid, soft, boiled potatoes.

what I'm tyring to say is that I didn't want to feel the way I felt. what i'm trying to say is i'm sorry for the things I had to say about you to get over you.

How I felt without really saying it:

like when the lumineers said it wasn't easy to be happy for you 

like when lauv said im SO tired of love songs
or when lauv said I don't want to be sad forever. or when katy perry said I guess it's never really over.

like when his hands were on my thighs and I felt nothing.
like that video of the girl throwing up the peace sign while crying

like when his hand was on my hand.

when your hand wasn't on my hand.

when God said it is not good for man to be alone and I froze.
like how I couldn't listen to music for a month.


here is how I really felt. one day I was cleaning out my closet in my old house. inside a box was a piece of paper with a list of my favorite things and you weren't on it. i'd give anything to feel like that.