mountain mama

for a time in my life where I should have been listening to the happy john denver songs with my friends but ended up listening to the sad johnny cash ones.  

sorry if i say some things i mean

this is an apology for the things I had to say about you to get over you

- Trista Mateer

I don't think I had ever really been mad at a person in my entire life until you. which sucks. I have written and rewritten this at least 6 times and some times I'm mad and some times I'm not. all of those times I wanted to not be mad though, which I hope counts for something. 

Here's what it is. 

I liked you more than I thought I did. And you liked me less than I thought you did.
For me, actions speak louder than words and there were things you did but there was also a lot of stuff that you didn't do. and thats the stuff that makes me mad. Not even at you really. but mad at me for not seeing those gaps, those things that I needed you to do that you didn't. all those times you didn't hold my hand, i felt them. I felt every time you didn't look at me. every time you didn't tell someone about me, i heard it.

this could be longer,
when I was young someone told me that two people can go through the same thing and come out different. they told me you don't have to be what you go through. There is an egg and a potato and you put them both in boiling water and one comes out hard and one comes out soft. what i'm trying to say is that every day i pray to be like those stupid, soft, boiled potatoes.

what I'm tyring to say is that I didn't want to feel the way I felt. what i'm trying to say is i'm sorry for the things I had to say about you to get over you.

How I felt without really saying it:

like when the lumineers said it wasn't easy to be happy for you 

like when lauv said im SO tired of love songs
or when lauv said I don't want to be sad forever. or when katy perry said I guess it's never really over.

like when his hands were on my thighs and I felt nothing.
like that video of the girl throwing up the peace sign while crying

like when his hand was on my hand.

when your hand wasn't on my hand.

when God said it is not good for man to be alone and I froze.
like how I couldn't listen to music for a month.


here is how I really felt. one day I was cleaning out my closet in my old house. inside a box was a piece of paper with a list of my favorite things and you weren't on it. i'd give anything to feel like that. 

nice to meet me

(hi, im date mike. nice to meet me)

(hi, im 2019 hannah, nice to meet me)

u ever had an identity crisis? u ever wonder if always having an identidty crisis is part of ur identidty? I want to be me at all time but who even is she? What does she like and what are her passions? Does she have any and is it ok if she doesn't? What if she used to do a lot of things before she even realized they were ~things~ and now she doesn't do them anymore? What if its like how I used to type in CAPS all the time but then I got a new computer that doesn't have a CAPS LOCK so now I am just too lazy to type in caps all the time. maybe it's like that. Maybe I am just too lazy to be me. Which is lame. Does that make being lazy my passion? can lazy and passion even go together? I can be passionately lazy but can I be lazily passionate? I don't even think I want to be that so I'm not going to worry about it.
Everyone has a thing and I wanna know what my thing is. Will somebody please tell me my thing??

I'll tell you what my thing is. Making everyone look at the trees outside. 90s r&b. Having an insatiable craving for juice. Not knowing my lefts and rights. HAVING A PERM. Crying about the elderly. Cool shoes. This.

Things that were once my thing that I would still like to be my thing: This. roller skating, typing in caps, writing about love, avidly reading the onion, taking pictures of the sky, making the bible seem cool, being the first person to say hi in public, writing people notes, reading, having knee caluses from praying, wack clothes.

Things that were once my thing that I don't want to be my thing anymore: weird lying for no reason, not thinking I am attractive, hating fitness, being a middle finger addict, binging tv in solitude, not having a healthy balance between solitude and camaraderie. 

Here comes a feeling you thought you'd forgotten. - ezra koenig