coming from a person who loves love

Every time I try to write about love I just keep writing myself out of love and its crappy and I am sick of it. I used to have ideals!! Then things happen and you see other people get hurt and your neighbors fall out of love and your parents start sleeping in separate rooms and you move out to college and I guess we all have grow up and wake up sometime. The thing that no one tells you about marriage is that the percent who stay together get by just barely. They don't tell you that some of the people who are married don't even actually love each other. Sure they tell you its going to be hard, but no one talks about sleeping on the couch or hour long drives so you don't have to let it out in front of the kids. Everyone talks about being real with each other but how can you be? They're gonna know about all the times you skipped the gym and all the times you cried when your dad called and all the times you almost swore and all the times you did swear and all the times you talked about how you hate people who swear. And who's gonna want to live with that? Too inconsistent too contradicting too much of a mess to even keep a cactus alive. too tired. And that's why love is great. Because when it works its total acceptance and that's all that anyone wants really, to be told that we aren't crazy and that our feelings are valid and that it's okay.. It isn't looking past someones flaws, its embracing their flaws and recognizing that their flaws are apart of them and make them who they are. I guess once you get past the "mush honeymoon magic mega awesome" love phase and you get into the "for real" (these are the technical terms) love phase it comes down to finding the person who you are gonna be annoyed with/want to kill the least. Which if you hate them the least it also means you love them the most so I guess that does make sense. Love, how magical.


 the best love poem I've ever read.

#college

Lets talk about how I was excited to live with a bunch of strangers so I could see them be real and raw and make me feel less crazy and like we're all just trying to figure it out well GUESS WHAT they are all perfect and eat salad all the time and I am behind on everything. My hair my clothes my physique my social skills my spirituality my relationship status my cleaning habits and my whole being a better person thing are all mediocre in comparison to them. But besides the huge burden of my roommates being perfect all the time they are amazing and I got lucky to randomly have them. I am trapped in a room on the top floor of a building with five strangers and I love it. Finding the upside of everything is what keeps me going. I haven't gone to class on a Friday yet and I've been going to school for three weeks. So yay for education. I'm undeclared and basically everyone else is too. Or they are going to be a teacher or a doctor. It seems like everyone's got everything figured out, or they have figured out that they haven't got anything figured out and I am just waking up from a nap wondering what day it is.
You know when you are a sophomore and you look at the seniors and you can't ever imagine that you will make it to that point and you wonder what you will be like when you are a senior and then you become a senior and you realize you are the exact same and you don't feel like a senior and you feel like you don't look like all the other seniors when they were seniors? Yeah well college is basically the same thing.
I brought up three plants with me to college and two have already died.
Nothing has changed since high school. I'm still to much and I still drown everyone in everything.

I've been doing a lot of online shopping okay??????

I've been trying to get back in touch with my roots but I think I've dyed them too much 

This is about sharing a couch with someone at an old friends house and how it felt like home. This is about home.

This is about having eggs for breakfast every morning and trying not to step on eggshells. Its about new hair cuts and how I only published two blog posts since school ended. It's not about trips to Vegas and its not about getting that summer beach bod and its certainly not about high school. Its about working and wearing pants and summer homework and people getting offended when you offer to take out their groceries. Its about finding out people have girlfriends and being to lazy to make this post into an actual thing. It's about last days of work that make you cry and last days of school that didn't and last days of summer that will. The break is over and the package is sealed. All wrapped up with plastic and packing peanuts and in a dingy old shoe box that should say FRAGILE. HANDLE WITH CARE. but it just says THIS SIDE UP and none of us even know where we're going. And we don't know what we'll be like when we get there. All we can do is hope the mail man doesn't drop us and that wherever we go the person who opens us up is gentle enough to put us back together.

pressure/ice ice baby/they both sound the same

Lately I've been feeling like writing on this blog is a huge chore because I feel like I have to dazzle everyone and give them chills and all that jazz so I haven't been posting anything because I don't feel like it's gripping/heartbreaking/amazing enough BECAUSE I GUESS I WRITE FOR THE COMMENTS OKAY?!? Ugh. Everything about this whole blog and #hashtagsummerblogs has just become something hanging over my head which is sad because writing and connecting with people and getting all my emotions out there is something I have always loved and it doesn't seem to feel like that anymore. I'm tired of thinking of new concepts and killer metaphors and I'm tired of having more drafts than published posts. So sometimes I feel like its best to write like this in a stream of consciousness sort of way because it's present and direct and you al get what I'm trying to say and I don't have to be abstract or anything. But then I look at all my other published posts and THEY ARE ALL STREAM OF  CONSCIOUSNESS. I dunno maybe I just do better with #realtalk than #fancytalk and maybe I'm a one trick pony (is that the right saying?? I'm sorry, it's midnight) and maybe I won't be able to inspire anyone and maybe my writing is less of a rip your heart out of your chest type and more of a pat on the back "it's going to be alright" type and maybe that's okay.

Being called names is probably the worst :/

About 5 minutes ago I heard screaming and swearing and pounding on the door and I've never been more real than right now when I say I miss being in elementary school.
My parents are out of town and I'm in charge and I got home from work at 10 and found my two little sisters home alone and my brother no where in sight. I called and I txted and I screamed but he refused to tell me where he was or what he was doing anything so I told him if he wasn't home by 1:00 I was locking the doors and he was outside for the night and I've never been more for real than when I said that.
1:00 rolls around and he doesn't.
1:05 nothing
1:10 nope
1:25 finally
It's  1:30 and five minutes ago my brother pounded on the door and screamed for me to let him in and called me a bitch.
I guess I wasn't being for real when I said I'd make him sleep outside. But I was being for real about the elementary school part.

rap music is everything

the lyrics are killer. that's all.

I wanna know what love is

I know the lyrics to every song on the radio and I haven't heard half of them. Life is getting to be too predictable. I answer you aren't there. I don't answer you're angry. The next day everything is fine. Is this what love is? Ignoring everything? But accepting that the other person is ignoring everything too? I used to think I knew what love was. Something soft that you could wrap yourself around. I never thought the inside would be full of thorns and smell terrible. I bought new perfume just so I could bare it. Is this what love is? Smashing all the expensive vases and sticking around to glue them back together?

Thoughts on not counting as an adult

I go to a different church building now and the chairs are hard and my mom changed the laundry detergent she uses and nothing seems to be soft anymore.. Welcome to the real world I guess. Also I went to Walmart and my brother wanted me to buy him a COD game and the cashier asked for my ID because I had to be 17 but I didn't have it with me and the lady got her supervisor and she said WORD FOR WORD "well you don't have any ID and you don't even look 17 anyways so I really can't give this game to you. I hate Walmart.. But you can get a packet of hot chocolate there for 50 cents so I don't hate it that much. Also I was at Home Depot looking at countertops the other day when this like 45 year old woman started asking me which countertop sample I liked better and showing me pictures of her house and her family and all her 27 year old sons and then asking me again about what I thought would look best with her forest green wallpaper and genaric wood cabinets and I started to talk about my interior design class and she asked where I was going to school and so I told her I just graduated and would be going to utah state in the fall and she said oh that's nice AND UP AND LEFT all because she realized I was in high school and some idiot like listen up lady  just because in 16 doesn't mean I don't know what I m talking about  your countertops are tacky and I am trying to help you. I'm sick of age and never being the right thing for anybody. Like yeah I am old enough to have to go to work everyday but not old enough to buy a freakin video game or alcohol but I'm old enough that I should know what I am doing with my life but not old enough for anyone to take anything I say seriouslyi have never really felt like respect was something I cared a lot about because I didn't really care what people thought of me but now I find myself wishing people would take me seriously sometimes which is weird maybe I'm turning into an adult how disgusting.. we'll see how this goes


College is going to be cool hopefully/probably/obviously

Summer Reading

This is ironic because I got a letter today from the highland library saying that I owe them $109 in late charges and I guess it's valid because I haven't turned in any books since spring break I JUST LIKE BOOKS OKAY?!?!?!?? So who knows how possible this list of books I want to read actually is, but we will see I guess. Also if you have any recommendations please tell me because I'll basically read anything

• The Spectacualr Now - Tim Tharp
• The Secret Life of Bees - Sue Monk Kidd
• Catch 22 - Joseph Heller
• The Breif and Wonderous Life of Oscar Wao - Junot Díaz
• The Space Between Us - Thrity Umrigar 
• Rules Of Surviving - Nancy Werlin
• Lets Explore Diabetes With Owls - David Sedaris
• The Book Theif - Markus Zusak
• These Broken Stars - Amie Kaufman 
• The House on Mango Street - Sandra Cisneros 
• all the books I stole from Nelson's classroom 
• This is How You Lose Her - Junot Díaz
• The Killer's Cousin - Nancy Werlin 
• Me Talk Pretty One Day - David Sedaris 
• It's Kind of a Funny Story - Ned Vizzini 
• In Cold Blood - Truman Capote 
• The Last Time I Saw My Mother - Arlene Chai
• Bossypants - Tina Fey
• The Diving Bell and the Butterfly - Jean Dominique Dauby
• Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Matinence - Robert M. Pirsig
• Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? - Mindy Kaling
• Lets Pretend This Never Happened - Jenny Lawson
• WHAT ELSE SHOULD I READ GUYS

SORRY

MY LAPTOP SCREEN SHATTERED BECAUSE IT FELL OFF MY BED BECAUSE I FELL ASLEEP WHILE WATCHING A MOVIE AND SO I HAVEN'T WRITTEN ANYTHING NEW BECAUSE IT DOESN'T FEEL THE SAME AND I HAVE 37 DRAFTS I COULD POST BUT I HATE ALL OF THEM AND I AM SORRY AND I STILL DON'T KNOW IF IM WRITING FOR MYSELF OR FOR COMMENTS AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT IM WRITING FOR THAT MATTER AND ITS 12:40 AND IT DOESN'T EVEN FEEL LIKE SUMMER BECAUSE I HAVE TO WEAR PANTS TO WORK AND I ALWAYS TYPE IN CAPS LOCK AND THIS ISN'T EVEN ABOUT ANYTHING IT'S JUST ME LETTING YOU KNOW THAT IM TRASH AND IM SORRY

monkey bars and roller skates and #senioryear

I don't remember much from before 2nd grade except for watching Hey Arnold and wanting to become a nurse and my mom taking me to gymnastics class on Tuesdays and Thursdays every week. I would always come home with calluses and blisters because my teacher told me that I held on to the bar too tight.

In the 4th grade a boy sang a song for me during show and tell because he loved me and I ran into the bathroom crying because his last name was Barney and what kind of a name is Hannah Barney and I couldn't figure out how to tell him things weren't going to work out.  None of you are probably going to believe that story because none of you were there and sometimes that makes me really sad because I didn't actually "grow up" with any of you but then I remember about my weird obsession with flare jeans and I am grateful none of you were around to witness it.

Fast forward about 20 crushes later and no one has serenaded me since and its crazy the things I have taken for granted. Things like knowing how roller skate or having an class dedicated to watching movies or my preference date not going to jail the day before preference. People have been saying our high school is like the ones you see in the movies and I guess that is kind of true because I haven't heard of another one where we can have BBQ's outside and sleepovers inside. But we also never had a food fight so I'm not really sure if the whole movie analogy is correct because I feel like that is sort of a necessary scene in every high school movie.

Graduation wasn't a sad thing for me because I was sort of sick of the lack of sleep and everyone getting sentimental and deciding to tell us how cool we were when there were only two days left and they didn't have to worry about actually talking to us ever again. Mostly I was sick of dealing with all the kids who wrote about how they are "so alone" but never return my waves in the halls. Sorry I wasn't good enough I guess? I'll admit I was kind of sad because now I wont have an excuse to see a lot of people who I have come to fall in love with but this town is small enough that I'm not worried about never seeing people again. In a lot of the yearbook's I signed I ended with "I'll see you tomorrow" so I guess that sums up my feelings about graduation because I'll see most of you at the gas station or Lauren Coulter's house or at Snoasis so it isn't really a big deal to me.

I guess what I'll miss the most is the atmosphere where everyone is sleep deprived and a little miserable due to high amounts of stress so everything is hilarious and we all understood each others jokes because we all knew what was going on. I don't know if that makes any sense WE WERE JUST ALL REALLY FUNNY OKAY?? I thought I could go one blog post without using caps lock but I have failed. Great. I am also going to miss the fact that we all dance super dumb. Like I sat against the wall at the black-light dance for a little while and it is hilarious/embarrassing but I guess since we are in a big group it doesn't really matter because no one is going to make fun of you because everyone else is doing it too. So I'll probably have to learn how to dance for real before college so that my adult peers don't make fun of me. Or maybe I wont and I'll just dance dumb for the rest of my life and high school will live inside of me forever!!!!!!! Also we had some good teachers I will miss but that always happens and by the power of the internet none of you are really that far away from me. I'm not really sure if my feelings on graduation are optimistic or just a total lack of caring but gradutaion happened two days ago and I woke up this morning with hands covered in blisters because I still hold on to too much