things that keep me up at night

Last week I found out the Junior (sophomore at the time) I was in love with last year is friends with the Junior I am in love with this year. It's funny how a trip to the gas station can give you an open mind on things like polygamy.... I just love a lot of boys and I am a huge mess and I don't know how anyone can pick just one. But I also don't know how anyone can pick one if that makes sense..
What if they are all cool and nice but then once your married they make you scrub the floors all day while they watch TV and wait for you to make them dinner and what if they treat you like your their slave and all people have flaws and I understand and you need to chill but what if you've been married for 20 years and you realize you spend all day at home cleaning and cooking and then your spouse comes home with Wendy's even though you cooked them chicken and you have to throw it away because "left overs don't taste the same" and then they want to spend time with you so you sit next to them while they eat their stupid Wendy's and wait until they fall asleep while watching the Hunting Channel and listening to you talk then you turn the TV off and help them to bed then you lay there next to them and wait until you are exhausted enough that even the sound of their snoring won't keep you awake and it's 3 A.M. and you are going to wake up at 5 A.M. because you have to wake them up to go to work and you are 40 and this is your life. And what are you going to do? You've been married for 20 years you can't just leave them. You have kids to take care of and you are the only successful marriage to come out of all your siblings and besides how would you even explain why you got a divorce, they don't hit you but they certainly don't love you. People get a divorce because they hate each other, or because someone was unfaithful or because they get hurt. People don't get a divorce because they changed their mind. Your 40 and you have kids and you feel indifferent about your marriage and you are making excuses for people who don't deserve them. And sometimes that's what love is for people, an endless amount of second chances, being accepting and sometimes spineless, but always trying to make them happy anyways. Sometimes love is Ugly.



//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////sasha fierce/////////

throwback thursday

All I can really remember is Nelson saying "I'm sick of reading sad shit"
and I'm sick of writing sad sh-stuff..
And I think that we should remember the good things, like catching fire flies and playing on merry go rounds and that one boy who drew me a picture of a dinosaur in preschool
or did I draw one for him?
I don't remember.
I remember when my parents bought our first living room living room couch at a garage sale
I remember my first house with stairs
I remember asking for an Aaron Carter poster for my birthday 
and Christmas
I remember passing notes
I remember those Chose Your Own Adventure books
I remember dying every time..
I remember watching The Land Before Time (I was obsessed with dinosaurs ok)
I remember the second day of seminary because it was the first day I saw you
I remember you every time I see that building
I remember The Killers every time I see you
I remember playing ghost in the graveyard every night during the summer
I remember having a sandbox 
I remember the first goal I scored, and the second, and the last
I remember when I was 6 and I finally figured out how to blow a bubble with my gum
I remember crying

But I also think we should remember the bad stuff. And that we remember why we are the way we are, and why we aren't the way we aren't.
I think we should also remember that I hate that one girl because when I moved here in third grade none of the neighbors would be my friend because she told them all I wasn't Mormon because I wore tank-tops 
I remember the funerals
I remember the first time I ate lunch by myself
I remember when I got in trouble for cheating in 6th grade
I remember what my door looked like without a hole in it.
I remember learning about coping with anger in health class. How you are supposed to count to ten and breathe and leave the room and hold your breath and think happy thoughts and breathe.
But you can do a lot of praying and a lot of counting and a lot of screaming in pillows
but they never taught you how to get all that anger out of you
these are the things no one talks about
I remember moving every two years
I remember Utah being the first place without fire flies
I remember Utah being the first place with bees
I remember when my parents sold our first living room couch at a garage sale
I remember crying


I remember a lot of crying

)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))sasha fierce((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((

something that I found

He awoke each morning with the desire to do right, to be a
good and meaningful person, to be, as simple as it sounded and as impossible as it actually was, happy. And during the course of each day his heart would descend from his chest into his stomach. By early afternoon he was overcome by the feeling that nothing was right, or nothing was right for him, and by the desire to be alone. By evening he was fulfilled: alone in the magnitude of his grief, alone in his aimless guilt, alone even in his loneliness. I am not sad, he would repeat to himself over and over, I am not sad. As if he might one day convince himself. Or fool himself. Or convince others—the only thing worse than being sad is for others to know that you are sad. I am not sad. I am not sad. Because his life had unlimited potential for happiness, insofar as it was an empty white room.
He would fall asleep with his heart at the foot of his bed, like some domesticated animal that was no part of him at all. And each morning he would wake with it again in the cupboard of his rib cage, having become a little heavier, a little weaker, but still pumping. And by midafternoon he was again overcome with the desire to be somewhere else, someone else, someone else somewhere else. I am not sad.

-Jonathan Safran Foer-

bleh, whatever

feeling bland is never fun horrible. Nothing is really going on in my life that is sad or happy and all the recent movies I have seen have been sub-par and I haven't had time to read anything meaningful and I am kind of just like whatever. My emotion is whatever. HOW DO YOU WRITE ABOUT WHATEVER. My feelings to this post are whatever. My feelings towards this class are more than whatever and it might be the only class I get an A in because I feel so whatever about all my other classes. Maybe whatever is a synonym for senioritis. Feeling whatever isn't really healthy because you need to care about things and stay motivated and yadda yadda yadda so you can keep improving and becoming a better person. But at the same time who are you becoming a better person for and who decides what makes a person better and why do you care what that person thinks and this is why I am feeling like whatever. I get too many questions in my head and I have too much homework and I get so stressed that I am just like whatever if I stop caring then I will stop being so stressed out about all this stuff. And then the next thing you know you have 6 NCs and two college applications to fill out and a term worth of homework for every class because you were to lazy to do it in the first place so you just look at it and take a good long look at your future and you're just like whatever.

sasha fierce~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

couch potato

I decided to do a self portrait:

>sasha feirce<