rap music is everything

the lyrics are killer. that's all.

I wanna know what love is

I know the lyrics to every song on the radio and I haven't heard half of them. Life is getting to be too predictable. I answer you aren't there. I don't answer you're angry. The next day everything is fine. Is this what love is? Ignoring everything? But accepting that the other person is ignoring everything too? I used to think I knew what love was. Something soft that you could wrap yourself around. I never thought the inside would be full of thorns and smell terrible. I bought new perfume just so I could bare it. Is this what love is? Smashing all the expensive vases and sticking around to glue them back together?

Thoughts on not counting as an adult

I go to a different church building now and the chairs are hard and my mom changed the laundry detergent she uses and nothing seems to be soft anymore.. Welcome to the real world I guess. Also I went to Walmart and my brother wanted me to buy him a COD game and the cashier asked for my ID because I had to be 17 but I didn't have it with me and the lady got her supervisor and she said WORD FOR WORD "well you don't have any ID and you don't even look 17 anyways so I really can't give this game to you. I hate Walmart.. But you can get a packet of hot chocolate there for 50 cents so I don't hate it that much. Also I was at Home Depot looking at countertops the other day when this like 45 year old woman started asking me which countertop sample I liked better and showing me pictures of her house and her family and all her 27 year old sons and then asking me again about what I thought would look best with her forest green wallpaper and genaric wood cabinets and I started to talk about my interior design class and she asked where I was going to school and so I told her I just graduated and would be going to utah state in the fall and she said oh that's nice AND UP AND LEFT all because she realized I was in high school and some idiot like listen up lady  just because in 16 doesn't mean I don't know what I m talking about  your countertops are tacky and I am trying to help you. I'm sick of age and never being the right thing for anybody. Like yeah I am old enough to have to go to work everyday but not old enough to buy a freakin video game or alcohol but I'm old enough that I should know what I am doing with my life but not old enough for anyone to take anything I say seriouslyi have never really felt like respect was something I cared a lot about because I didn't really care what people thought of me but now I find myself wishing people would take me seriously sometimes which is weird maybe I'm turning into an adult how disgusting.. we'll see how this goes


College is going to be cool hopefully/probably/obviously

Summer Reading

This is ironic because I got a letter today from the highland library saying that I owe them $109 in late charges and I guess it's valid because I haven't turned in any books since spring break I JUST LIKE BOOKS OKAY?!?!?!?? So who knows how possible this list of books I want to read actually is, but we will see I guess. Also if you have any recommendations please tell me because I'll basically read anything

• The Spectacualr Now - Tim Tharp
• The Secret Life of Bees - Sue Monk Kidd
• Catch 22 - Joseph Heller
• The Breif and Wonderous Life of Oscar Wao - Junot Díaz
• The Space Between Us - Thrity Umrigar 
• Rules Of Surviving - Nancy Werlin
• Lets Explore Diabetes With Owls - David Sedaris
• The Book Theif - Markus Zusak
• These Broken Stars - Amie Kaufman 
• The House on Mango Street - Sandra Cisneros 
• all the books I stole from Nelson's classroom 
• This is How You Lose Her - Junot Díaz
• The Killer's Cousin - Nancy Werlin 
• Me Talk Pretty One Day - David Sedaris 
• It's Kind of a Funny Story - Ned Vizzini 
• In Cold Blood - Truman Capote 
• The Last Time I Saw My Mother - Arlene Chai
• Bossypants - Tina Fey
• The Diving Bell and the Butterfly - Jean Dominique Dauby
• Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Matinence - Robert M. Pirsig
• Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? - Mindy Kaling
• Lets Pretend This Never Happened - Jenny Lawson
• WHAT ELSE SHOULD I READ GUYS

SORRY

MY LAPTOP SCREEN SHATTERED BECAUSE IT FELL OFF MY BED BECAUSE I FELL ASLEEP WHILE WATCHING A MOVIE AND SO I HAVEN'T WRITTEN ANYTHING NEW BECAUSE IT DOESN'T FEEL THE SAME AND I HAVE 37 DRAFTS I COULD POST BUT I HATE ALL OF THEM AND I AM SORRY AND I STILL DON'T KNOW IF IM WRITING FOR MYSELF OR FOR COMMENTS AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT IM WRITING FOR THAT MATTER AND ITS 12:40 AND IT DOESN'T EVEN FEEL LIKE SUMMER BECAUSE I HAVE TO WEAR PANTS TO WORK AND I ALWAYS TYPE IN CAPS LOCK AND THIS ISN'T EVEN ABOUT ANYTHING IT'S JUST ME LETTING YOU KNOW THAT IM TRASH AND IM SORRY

monkey bars and roller skates and #senioryear

I don't remember much from before 2nd grade except for watching Hey Arnold and wanting to become a nurse and my mom taking me to gymnastics class on Tuesdays and Thursdays every week. I would always come home with calluses and blisters because my teacher told me that I held on to the bar too tight.

In the 4th grade a boy sang a song for me during show and tell because he loved me and I ran into the bathroom crying because his last name was Barney and what kind of a name is Hannah Barney and I couldn't figure out how to tell him things weren't going to work out.  None of you are probably going to believe that story because none of you were there and sometimes that makes me really sad because I didn't actually "grow up" with any of you but then I remember about my weird obsession with flare jeans and I am grateful none of you were around to witness it.

Fast forward about 20 crushes later and no one has serenaded me since and its crazy the things I have taken for granted. Things like knowing how roller skate or having an class dedicated to watching movies or my preference date not going to jail the day before preference. People have been saying our high school is like the ones you see in the movies and I guess that is kind of true because I haven't heard of another one where we can have BBQ's outside and sleepovers inside. But we also never had a food fight so I'm not really sure if the whole movie analogy is correct because I feel like that is sort of a necessary scene in every high school movie.

Graduation wasn't a sad thing for me because I was sort of sick of the lack of sleep and everyone getting sentimental and deciding to tell us how cool we were when there were only two days left and they didn't have to worry about actually talking to us ever again. Mostly I was sick of dealing with all the kids who wrote about how they are "so alone" but never return my waves in the halls. Sorry I wasn't good enough I guess? I'll admit I was kind of sad because now I wont have an excuse to see a lot of people who I have come to fall in love with but this town is small enough that I'm not worried about never seeing people again. In a lot of the yearbook's I signed I ended with "I'll see you tomorrow" so I guess that sums up my feelings about graduation because I'll see most of you at the gas station or Lauren Coulter's house or at Snoasis so it isn't really a big deal to me.

I guess what I'll miss the most is the atmosphere where everyone is sleep deprived and a little miserable due to high amounts of stress so everything is hilarious and we all understood each others jokes because we all knew what was going on. I don't know if that makes any sense WE WERE JUST ALL REALLY FUNNY OKAY?? I thought I could go one blog post without using caps lock but I have failed. Great. I am also going to miss the fact that we all dance super dumb. Like I sat against the wall at the black-light dance for a little while and it is hilarious/embarrassing but I guess since we are in a big group it doesn't really matter because no one is going to make fun of you because everyone else is doing it too. So I'll probably have to learn how to dance for real before college so that my adult peers don't make fun of me. Or maybe I wont and I'll just dance dumb for the rest of my life and high school will live inside of me forever!!!!!!! Also we had some good teachers I will miss but that always happens and by the power of the internet none of you are really that far away from me. I'm not really sure if my feelings on graduation are optimistic or just a total lack of caring but gradutaion happened two days ago and I woke up this morning with hands covered in blisters because I still hold on to too much