the worst day of my life:

Ignore them.

When I die don't believe it. You had heard that things were going downhill for me at the hospital. You saw some people in your math class crying and whispering to each other. You know. Ignore them. Don't ask. You have to make up a test during lunch and you can't afford to have your world turned upside down just yet. In your heart you know I'm gone. Ignore it anyways.

Hurry.

When I die, run out of class as soon as the bell rings. You still have to get through lunch and one more class period. You don't have time to cry you don't have time to feel. You need to pass this test. Your heart is beating in your ears. You know. But you can't process it yet. Hold them off, fight the demons and fight the tears, you need to pass this test. You need to finish the school day, you need to believe just a little bit longer.

Hold back.

When I die, finish your test. Find her, the only person who you can cry about this with. Find her. She doesn't know yet. Do not tell her. She has a Chemistry test she needs to pass, and she already sucks at Chemistry and my death isn't going to help her. Don't tell her. Act as normal as you can, help her study, keep yourself occupied, play on your phone, distract yourself from me for just a little bit longer. Push out the pain. But stay with her, protect her, make sure no one else tells her, make sure she passes her test. Don't leave, you will cry as soon as you walk out of that library. Keep it together, maybe this is all in your head, keep it together. No point in telling her if you don't know for sure.

You know.

When I die go to your AP class. You see it on other people's faces, you know I'm gone.You know. Don't cry.The girl in your class is going to say this is the worst day of her life and you going to want to beg to differ. Don't. Listen to the lecture. Try. Your not going to hear much because your heart beat is in your ears. You are going to see your friends outside the classroom crying. Don't go to them, don't cry with them. If you cry its all over and this is real. Don't cry.

Find her.

When I die get out of that class room as fast as you can. Don't talk to anyone. Run to the Chemistry classroom and find her. You can hold me off until you find her, the only person who can remotely understand what you are going through. The only one who can understand, and she doesn't even know yet. She isn't in the classroom, she already left. Run. Sprint through the halls to the parking lot. Don't care if you look ridiculous, there are more important things right now. You see her just leaving the building. Try and call out her name. You can't. because as soon as you open your mouth you are going to wail and fall to the ground. Grab her. 

Cry.

When I die she will know as soon as she sees your face. She is going to ask anyway. You're allowed to cry now. Just nod your head and hold each other. You can't stop shaking and you don't know what to say. So don't say anything. Just stand there and cry. Cry. You've let a couple tears slip out through out the day. You been to 8 funerals in your life but you have never cried like this. You can't stop shaking and you can't feel anything except the pain in your lungs because you can't breathe. Keep crying.

Stay.

When I die don't leave anybody alone. She forgot her keys in Chemistry. Go back with her to get them. The majority of students are still in school making their way to the parking lot. And you can't stop crying. People are staring. They probably think you just got dumped, and you can only wish that was the case. Keep walking. You are going to see everyone you know and they are going to come up to you. They are going to hug you and ask what the matter.Tell them. Don't run. I know you don't like crying in front of people. But its a little late for that. Tell them I am dead. Tell them it's too late. Don't run, I am with you no matter where you go. So stay.

Leave.

When I die pull over. Get her the stupid car keys then go home as fast as you can. Get in your car and start it. Sit. Be still for a while. Your alone now, you can scream. You still can't stop crying. Try to breathe. Stop shaking. Stop. Let the tears flow. You are in control of your body again. Put the car in drive. Head home. Turn the radio on. Mistake. When I die don't listen to that Death Cab for Cutie song. You know what one I am talking about. You will be lucky to make it home alive. You are going to run a red light because you can't see through the tears. You are going to sit on the side of the road and try to pull yourself together for a few more moments. When I die, don't drive.

Later,

When I die try not to shut everyone out. Don't leave in the middle of church. Don't spend all day locked in your room. Don't cry yourself to sleep. Don't tell your parents you're fine. 

When I die don't go buy an overpriced yearbook in hopes to see another picture of my face.

When I die don't write about me. Hoping that it will give you some sort of closure or at least help you stop crying at night

trust me,

it wont.