Summer Reading

This is ironic because I got a letter today from the highland library saying that I owe them $109 in late charges and I guess it's valid because I haven't turned in any books since spring break I JUST LIKE BOOKS OKAY?!?!?!?? So who knows how possible this list of books I want to read actually is, but we will see I guess. Also if you have any recommendations please tell me because I'll basically read anything

• The Spectacualr Now - Tim Tharp
• The Secret Life of Bees - Sue Monk Kidd
• Catch 22 - Joseph Heller
• The Breif and Wonderous Life of Oscar Wao - Junot Díaz
• The Space Between Us - Thrity Umrigar 
• Rules Of Surviving - Nancy Werlin
• Lets Explore Diabetes With Owls - David Sedaris
• The Book Theif - Markus Zusak
• These Broken Stars - Amie Kaufman 
• The House on Mango Street - Sandra Cisneros 
• all the books I stole from Nelson's classroom 
• This is How You Lose Her - Junot Díaz
• The Killer's Cousin - Nancy Werlin 
• Me Talk Pretty One Day - David Sedaris 
• It's Kind of a Funny Story - Ned Vizzini 
• In Cold Blood - Truman Capote 
• The Last Time I Saw My Mother - Arlene Chai
• Bossypants - Tina Fey
• The Diving Bell and the Butterfly - Jean Dominique Dauby
• Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Matinence - Robert M. Pirsig
• Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? - Mindy Kaling
• Lets Pretend This Never Happened - Jenny Lawson
• WHAT ELSE SHOULD I READ GUYS

SORRY

MY LAPTOP SCREEN SHATTERED BECAUSE IT FELL OFF MY BED BECAUSE I FELL ASLEEP WHILE WATCHING A MOVIE AND SO I HAVEN'T WRITTEN ANYTHING NEW BECAUSE IT DOESN'T FEEL THE SAME AND I HAVE 37 DRAFTS I COULD POST BUT I HATE ALL OF THEM AND I AM SORRY AND I STILL DON'T KNOW IF IM WRITING FOR MYSELF OR FOR COMMENTS AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT IM WRITING FOR THAT MATTER AND ITS 12:40 AND IT DOESN'T EVEN FEEL LIKE SUMMER BECAUSE I HAVE TO WEAR PANTS TO WORK AND I ALWAYS TYPE IN CAPS LOCK AND THIS ISN'T EVEN ABOUT ANYTHING IT'S JUST ME LETTING YOU KNOW THAT IM TRASH AND IM SORRY

monkey bars and roller skates and #senioryear

I don't remember much from before 2nd grade except for watching Hey Arnold and wanting to become a nurse and my mom taking me to gymnastics class on Tuesdays and Thursdays every week. I would always come home with calluses and blisters because my teacher told me that I held on to the bar too tight.

In the 4th grade a boy sang a song for me during show and tell because he loved me and I ran into the bathroom crying because his last name was Barney and what kind of a name is Hannah Barney and I couldn't figure out how to tell him things weren't going to work out.  None of you are probably going to believe that story because none of you were there and sometimes that makes me really sad because I didn't actually "grow up" with any of you but then I remember about my weird obsession with flare jeans and I am grateful none of you were around to witness it.

Fast forward about 20 crushes later and no one has serenaded me since and its crazy the things I have taken for granted. Things like knowing how roller skate or having an class dedicated to watching movies or my preference date not going to jail the day before preference. People have been saying our high school is like the ones you see in the movies and I guess that is kind of true because I haven't heard of another one where we can have BBQ's outside and sleepovers inside. But we also never had a food fight so I'm not really sure if the whole movie analogy is correct because I feel like that is sort of a necessary scene in every high school movie.

Graduation wasn't a sad thing for me because I was sort of sick of the lack of sleep and everyone getting sentimental and deciding to tell us how cool we were when there were only two days left and they didn't have to worry about actually talking to us ever again. Mostly I was sick of dealing with all the kids who wrote about how they are "so alone" but never return my waves in the halls. Sorry I wasn't good enough I guess? I'll admit I was kind of sad because now I wont have an excuse to see a lot of people who I have come to fall in love with but this town is small enough that I'm not worried about never seeing people again. In a lot of the yearbook's I signed I ended with "I'll see you tomorrow" so I guess that sums up my feelings about graduation because I'll see most of you at the gas station or Lauren Coulter's house or at Snoasis so it isn't really a big deal to me.

I guess what I'll miss the most is the atmosphere where everyone is sleep deprived and a little miserable due to high amounts of stress so everything is hilarious and we all understood each others jokes because we all knew what was going on. I don't know if that makes any sense WE WERE JUST ALL REALLY FUNNY OKAY?? I thought I could go one blog post without using caps lock but I have failed. Great. I am also going to miss the fact that we all dance super dumb. Like I sat against the wall at the black-light dance for a little while and it is hilarious/embarrassing but I guess since we are in a big group it doesn't really matter because no one is going to make fun of you because everyone else is doing it too. So I'll probably have to learn how to dance for real before college so that my adult peers don't make fun of me. Or maybe I wont and I'll just dance dumb for the rest of my life and high school will live inside of me forever!!!!!!! Also we had some good teachers I will miss but that always happens and by the power of the internet none of you are really that far away from me. I'm not really sure if my feelings on graduation are optimistic or just a total lack of caring but gradutaion happened two days ago and I woke up this morning with hands covered in blisters because I still hold on to too much

things you shouldn't say on the first date

Hi my name is Hannah nice to meet you my favorite color is green and sometimes I am afraid of people. If I was given three wishes I would wish for a less lopsided face and for everyone to love themselves and I would do it in that order because I'm an idiot but I don't want everyone else to feel like one and I probably wouldn't even use the third wish because that's too much pressure for me. If I could spend the day with three people dead or alive I would choose Bill Cosby, Nelson Mandela and I want to say Beyonce but I also don't because I feel like I would freak out too much and it would just be a waste of a person BUT I REALLY JUST WANT HER TO TEACH ME HOW TO DANCE OKAY?!?! In the morning I like my eggs scrambled. In my spare time I liked to take naps and read books and go on hikes and pet dogs and make smoothies and salsa but not together and watch tv and try to learn how to rap and find out the best way to make a quesadilla and sometimes I play soccer and I can also play video game soccer and sometimes I watch movies by myself and cry and sometimes I watch movies with other people and cry and sometimes/a lot of times I spend too much time on the internet and I don't really understand the sudden hype over Birkenstocks and Chacos and sometimes I think I wont make it into heaven and sometimes I cry about it because I would miss out on so much. My favorite food is Italian/carbs. My pet peeves are people who correct other peoples grammar and people who are closed minded and everyone who has ever cut me off ever and all sophomores because they don't seem to care about anything and its annoying also people who are full of themselves. In 10 years I see myself at about the same place, hopefully I'm a little happier and smarter and more independent and with more people in my life i.e. a babe of a husband. Or a dog. Maybe I'll still live in Utah or maybe I won't, Portland seems cool, but so does Scotland so who knows. I am more of a night owl than a morning person and I can't remember the last time I watched a sunrise. I am the oldest of for siblings and I have a dad who is a dentist and a mom who is a mom. My biggest role model in life is probably Jesus Christ because he knows how to treat people. My specialty dishes are pastas and and brownies and if you can make a better tasting salsa than me I'll probably marry you on the spot. I'm financially saving up to travel the world, but I feel like everyone does that too and then they end up staying home and paying taxes so we'll see how well that turns out. I always say Remember the Titans is my favorite movie because boys freak out and think its cool but I actually really like it a lot and I also like Warrior and I cry every time the brothers fight each other. I actually cry during almost every movie because I get too emotionally invested in everything. I saw the Amazing Spider-Man 2 a couple weeks ago and that was rough.. I have never kept a New Years resolution and my ideal date is anywhere I can feel close to someone. The last time I cried was yesterday when I saw a couple pulled to the side of the road beating each other up in their car and then the man threw the woman out of the car onto the road and I called 911 and cried the whole way home. I believe in foreshadowing. If I won a million dollars I would spend it on a waterbed, stocks, a dog, and probably the best charity or something. The first CD I ever bought was the Shrek soundtrack and the real truth is I am always afraid of people.
What about you?

Sorry I think I'm high right now

Sorry I think I am high right now


Maybe it's because I just figured out who Icarus was and I am just feeling so much right now it's crazy. Does anyone else think it's kind of hot in here?? there are things that people don't seem to understand and it's so cliche to say it but there is no better way to describe it BUT WE ARE ALL ALIVE RIGHT NOW. DO YOU GET THAT?? Oh if I could just shake it into you people. It's a beautiful thing really, I could talk about that analogy of how we are all protagonists and how we are extras in other people lives but you all have heard of that before BUT NO ONE SEEMS TO GET IT but it's amazing. Whenever I take a break from being so self absorbed I re realize this and it's incredible to me every time. Like I always think I have everything figured out about a person and then they start crying in church and it's always a shock to me like what?? You care about stuff?? It's not just me?? But this post isn't even about prejudice or stereotypes or anything it's about being alive and how we all have our own crazy complicated lives and were all in each others lives and there are 7 Billion people on the earth that are alive and that's crazy to me. THATS 7 BILLION DIFFERENT STORIES DO YOU UNDERSTAND. 7 BILLION PEOPLE WHO LOVE SOMEBODY WHO CARE ABOUT SOMEBODY WHO ARE GREAT PEOPLE AND WE DONT EVEN KNOW THEM BUT THEY DO STUFF. PEOPLE HAVE LIVES AFTER THE BELL RINGS AT 2:15 ITS NOT JUST ME. I remember when I found out that teachers don't actually live in the school. That was crazy. You never know whats inside of people and I think that's the craziest thing of all. Like the fact that people care about golf is crazy to me, but people probably think my love for dogs is crazy so were even I guess. There are just so many things to care about and so many people who care about them THERE IS JUST SO MUCH WE ALL DONT KNOW ABOUT EACH OTHER AND WE SEE EACH OTHER EVERYDAY LIKE HOW IS THSI POSSIBLE.
I think that's what I liked most about the creative writing class, I was worried because creative writing has become the cool/hipster class to take and I didn't wan it to be lame, I don't really know what I am trying to say, I JUST DIDNT WANT THE CLASS TO BE FULL OF POSERS OKAY!?!? I wanted the class to own up to the hype because a lot of the cool/hipster things aren't actually as cool as you would think. ANYWAYS, creative writing, I felt like we were all telling each other our secrets except they all ended up being the same secret, hey we like to/can write!!! Because for some reason it isn't something you bring up in a conversation like "oh I am good at football"  "oh I work at Arby's" or "oh I am co-president of the yoga club" nobody is ever like "oh I am good at writing and I have a secret blog and yadda yadda" or at least I don't anyways. I don't know if I'm making any sense right now there are just so many people who I never thought would have an interest in writing on top of being good at it. The world is crazy. You never know. Like you don't understand but you could be sitting next to the future president of the United States. LIKE ANYONE COULD BE ANYTHING AND YOU DONT EVEN KNOW I COULD BE THE NEXT OPRAH OR ASTRONAUT OR GAS STATION CASHIER OR HOVER-BOARD INVENTOR YOU NEVER KNOW. I DONT EVEN KNOW.



I am sorry it's like 12:30 and I am feeling overwhelmed by everything and I am sorry the only way I can express anything is by using caps lock and apparently the only adjective I know is "crazy" and I'm sorry if you read this whole thing and it made zero sense because it's late and I don't know how to use words but I needed to talk about this ok bye

lost boys

Missing Peron:
Boy, age 17 with long legs, long arms and long hugs.
A pair of feet that were always one step ahead of mine
A pair of feet that would always let me catch up.
A pair of feet that always seemed to know how to move on the dance floor
A pair of feet that didn't look totally terrible in flip-flops
A pair of lips always kissing the ground I walked on
A pair of lips always saying "I'm sorry"
A pair of lips always saying "It's okay"
A heart that was just as scared as mine and maybe that's why it never worked out
A pair of hands I never thought would wave goodbye
Witnesses saw him last on the day he was supposed to become the man of the house. He's been gone for awhile...
Check Main Street, check the gym, check the mountains, check the places where you can hear God, check under his bed. Because he is a little confused about where he's at right now
Keep an eye out and if you see him don't bother telling him to come back,
just remind him it's been awhile.

Guess who's back

How to start writing again:


Write for yourself
Go to a poetry slam
Take a shower
Don't think too much
Pick up the pencil
Don't try to make things sound fancy and beautiful
Write for yourself
Put your socks on
Be real/say what you feel
Realize we can't all be Sarah Loveday
Stop feeling like you have to write something to save people
Write for yourself
Make time to write
Try not to be afraid of what others might think
Stop trying to impress Nelson
Try not to be afraid of what's inside of you
Stop comparing your writing to other people
Write for yourself
Listen to Coldplay
Crack your knuckles
Avoid labels
Take your socks off
Write for yourself
Press Publish
Breathe.

This isn't about my D- in Biology

Senior year isn't always what you expect
I applied to three colleges and got accepted to three colleges. I'm not bragging or anything, I just want any juniors or other people to know that its okay to get a B and it's not worth crying over.
You've always got options.
I've gone to movies by myself and I've bought candles and I wondered how it's possible I have gone so long without either of these things in my life. Also sleeping in the middle of the bed. I don't know who I've been saving the other half of my bed for, but it has dawned on me that they aren't coming any time soon and I have been wasting the most comfortable part of the bed on some delusion that my whole bed doesn't belong to me.Beauty isn't all thighs and lips and collarbones, though a lot of times it seems like it is. I don't know how to explain it other than it can't be. I've realized how sucky of a friend I've been to those who didn't deserve it and how amazing of a friend to those who also didn't deserve it. Sometimes you realize these things too late.Like the fact that they like to draw with charcoal or  the fact that the boy who wanted you to go to his music concert thing probably liked you AND YOU FELL ASLEEP AND DIDN'T GO. And it might be possible that you are actually still single because you sleep too much. Also I am probably going to flunk one of my AP tests on purpose just so my teacher knows that they're a sucky teacher. I've pulled more homework all nighters than I ever did junior year and cried in class more often too. I've ditched more and gone to less attendance school which really doesn't make sense to me but I've never really been one of those to question the system. I feel like you are supposed to cry a lot during your senior year because doors are closing and people have planes to catch and suitcases to pack and everyone is like "what about prom?" and then they are all like "what about money/college/jobs/making my parents proud/majors/Russia/and what happens after we die?" and then the king and queen are crowned and the caps come off and our lives begin. I generally feel indifferent about the whole thing. My brain has already checked out and is planning which shoes to take to college and what Top Ramen flavor tastes the best (chicken) and my heart isn't far behind which kind of terrifies me. I don't know why I feel so disconnected but I want it to stop.
My cousin came back from her mission and I am afraid to wear shorts in front of her and it freaks me out a little bit because is this what life is like after high school? You are just surrounded by RMs that you can't wear shorts in front of??
the main reason I didn't want to go to BYU is because a lot of you are going there and it's ironic because the main reason I want to go to BYU is because a lot of you are going there.
But hey,
maybe there will be nice boys at Utah State who have candy bars named after them and try to show me their music and tutor me in calculus when I'm not actually in any math class at all and maybe this time I wont be so scared. 
Maybe.
Senior year is supposed to be sentimental and slow motion and fast forward and high volume all at once but all I'm getting is static.

ughughughughughugh

Other Titles Include: Sorry x Infinity, BRB, Still figuring it out, DOES ANYONE FIGURE IT OUT?? 

Am I the only one who feels so much? kcoolbye, and lastly

I Hate You BUT I Hate Myself More Sooooooooooooooooooooo

middle finger middle finger middle finger middle finger middle finger middle finger

because I am an idiot but so is everyone else.

I'm messy blogging and being vague right now and I am sorry because I have some self control to stop myself  from blogging about certain people and naming names but not enough control to not talk about it on the internet so that's great. I am just so angry all the time and I don't know what to do about it

I kick holes in the wall and tell everyone to shut up and I spit in my brother drink the other day and I don't want to be this person anymore.

I don't want to be this person anymore.

Some people say that is enough "recognizing you have a problem is the first step to fixing it" well what is the second and third and fourth and last because apparently I'm the only one who can't seem to figure my life out. I don't want to be so angry and offended and annoyed and take everything so personally and 

feeling everything all the time has gotten to be so painful and living can be so painful

I need to be numb for a little while

So if I shut you out it's nothing personal and I am sorry 

it's nothing personal 

I am just insane

but I don't want to be anymore.

dedicated to cute boys you see in the hall one time and then never again

There are 7 billion people on this planet,
and statistically you will only meet about 10 thousand of them in your life time

they say you should start a poem with some sort of fact or truth.

they don't actually say that

I don't even know who they are

But I know who we are.

We are Wednesday afternoons.
Unsure of everything
Do I have any assignments due tomorrow?
I don't know. (probably)
Should I take a really long nap today?
I don't know (yes)
Are you guys a thing?
I don't know. (I don't know)

We are every writers nightmare
because words don't define us
and neither do commas or periods
or apostrophes or parentheses.
I don't know what defines us
I don't know.

I don't know the way you like your eggs in the morning
and I don't know what radio stations you listen to
and I don't know what you'd grab if your house was on fire
And I don't know how I feel about you.
All I know is every time I see you I hold my breath
I don't know what that's supposed to mean but it's just what I do
And whenever the teacher makes a joke I look over to see if you are laughing too and you usually are and
I like that
But sometimes your not because it's 11:45 and class is in session and you're asleep
and I like that too.

There are three things about the universe that you should know.
There are things we all know,
like how to tie our shoes and how to breathe (most of the time)
There are things we don't know
like how many licks it would take to get to the center of a tootsie pop
and there are those things we don't know that we don't know.
like a couple months ago you didn't even exist in my universe
and I didn't know that there there was something so wonderful that I was missing out on.
I didn't know.
I didn't know
I didn't know

But now I do,
and I'm not sure if it's any better

On never being loved "like that"

( my last post was apparently stolen from Grey's Anatomy and I feel like I need to redeem myself. )

I sometimes allow myself to think about the things that typical high school girls think about like getting asked to prom and wearing a boy's hoodie and grand gestures and all that other corny stuff and to be honest I don't care what the definition of love is anymore I just know I want it. I want someone to watch movies with I want someone to understand me
I at least want somebody to try to.
It's not like I'm some girl who needs a boy to survive or anything, I have actually learned to become quite independent of boys, friends, teachers, coaches, and people in general. I can eat lunch in the library or I can eat lunch in the commons with a group of people and I generally feel the same thing at this point and it's fine.
It's not that I need a boy in my life, It's just that I want one.
I don't care if it's corny or full of angst or if it's predictable or nothing like I expect or even if it ends up being embarrassingly dramatic (I'm talkin Romeo and Juliet dramatic).
I don't know what it's like at all. We could conduct an experiment, it would be far less romantic, but kisses and tears could be our data and we'll test to see if this whole "love" thing actually makes us better people, happier, makes us feel more ourselves, more whole.
Hypothesis: It does

"I will tell you what she was like. She was like a piano in a country where everyone has had their hands cut off." -Angela Carter